I’m going back to work on July 5th. I’ve been on medical leave for the past 9 weeks for Major Depressive Disorder. This depressive episode was my longest, hardest, most painful period of depression to date. It was also the most transparent I’ve ever been about it - I am no longer ashamed to have this condition. I have done nothing “wrong.” This is not punishment for some unknown crime or sin.
I could write volumes about the treatments and path I took to get relief from this episode of depression, but I tried so many things, and I am no longer sure what worked and what didn’t. What I know is that somewhere around August 2021 I got really tired. Really, really tired. Like I cannot get out of bed tired. But it wasn’t EVERY day. So I figured maybe it’s just sinuses/migraines/eating wrong/not exercising/{insert personal or physical failure here}
But it got worse. It got better. Then it got worse. Then it got a little better, oh wait, yes? Oh, no, still depressed…and then after the winter break, it went dark. The lights went out. I could not stop crying. Everything was so hard. The house got dirty. I lost weight. Work became impossible. I could not hold it together enough to participate in conference calls. I went beyond wanting to die and into the realm of “I am going to die from this depression.” And it is going to be a painful death.
I started each day with 5 coins and each thing I had to do cost a coin - so brushing my teeth cost one coin and driving Max to and from school costs 3 coins. You get the point. And to live a minimally successful life - to have my basic needs met to keep myself alive, I needed at least 10 coins. But I only had 5 coins each day. So things that used up too many coins became impossible. Multi-step processes were exponentially more expensive than basic rudimentary tasks.
When I went on leave, I pretty much assumed I was going on leave to die. But I didn’t die.
So what do I do now?
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