September 21, 2012

The Low Spark

Max's 7th birthday party is tomorrow. It is the same party we've had the last 3 years - an inflatable water slide in the backyard, but each year is a different theme. This year it is legos. Last year it was Wizard of Oz.The year before it was Toy Story. And every year, after the party, I tell my sister, "I am not doing this again. Next year we are renting a place and I am not having all these kids at my house grinding cake crumbs into my rug and couch."

 And then every year we have the same party at my house. My brain is like a sieve.

I am filled with anxiety tonight. And it is not even about the party. It is everything but the party - I got a new laptop for work and it is a Mac and while I think I am cool and savvy, so far I think it has cut my productivity in half and the keyboard is giving me carpal tunnel syndrome. Additionally, I am convinced Max is going to drop out of school when he is older and that he will still demand to drink out of a sippy cup when he is 20 and he is also not going to ever be able to form his letters and numbers correctly.

And I am afraid the cake I ordered and paid WAY too much for is not going to be ready in time. And I think I am going to get fired because eventually someone will figure out I am really just an idiot with a big vocabulary.

I don't like this anxiety and I want to tell it to fuck off and go away. Yeah, that's right, I said FUCK YOU anxiety. Get out of my head!

Oh and I think I might curse too much.