This is the email I sent to the neighborhood association email list. I will tell you this, and make sure you make a note of it - don't fuck with the animal activists. They "love" animals, but trust me, they are none too fond of humans, especially the human young. I believe they find them to be a nuisance and they would indeed embrace a modest proposal.
Additionally, who knew it was a crime to shoot at cats with a BB gun?
Hello. Most of you likely do not know me, but you probably know my
husband, Mike Ernst. I am his wife, Claire. I am a relatively easy-
going person. I don't generally get excited about much and not much
in life bothers me enough to do anything more than shrug about it.
So, the following rant should be taken with that in mind.
The woman who lives across the street from us "owns" somewhere in the
neighborhood of 35-50 cats. I use the term "owns" very loosely
because to say one owns an animal implies that one actually cares for
and responsibly manages that animal by having it fixed, getting
annual shots and providing a collar with a tag.
This woman only owns these animals in the sense that she feeds them.
All of them. This allows them to congregate on her front lawn, fight
with each other and the properly owned cats in the neighborhood and,
you guessed it, treat the surrounding yards as a giant litter box and
maternity ward.
Every morning I walk out of my house to the rank and offensive odor
of cat feces. How can it be so offensive, you ask? Well, if you have
ever had a cat or even 2, you know that the litter box can get quite
odiferous after just a couple of days. Now, imagine that your house
and all its belongings were shrunk to the size of a cat turd and that
the litter box became your neighborhood. Now, imagine that the litter
box that you now call home is being used like a port-a-let at Mardi
Gras by every drunken unfixed Tom in the neighborhood.
And, to continue the carnival theme, imagine that the girls really
have gone wild, and now they are plopping out multiple litters a year
of more cats that will either grown up to use your yard as the public
john or, an only slightly better scenario is that they will all die
of starvation or disease under your house and you will only know they
are there because of the reeking stench of decomp rising up through
the floorboards in your kitchen.
I have called the SPCA, we have spoken to the neighbor, we have
thrown rocks at them, we have shot at them with a BB gun, we have
begged and pleaded and even resorted to REMOVING THE GRASS on our
side of the block between the street and the sidewalk and replacing
it with brick. That only encouraged them to actually jump the fence
into our yard and crap right where we walk. I pay upwards of $1400
per month on my mortgage to live in a feline shithouse. My three year
old walks out the front door every morning and says, "Yuck, cat
pooh."
I know you don't know me, but if you did, you would know I am
actually an animal lover. I have 2 dogs. I used to have a cat until
it disappeared and possibly has been assimilated by the coven across
the street. I was a vegetarian for over 6 years. I even have a tattoo
of a dog paw on my ankle to express my undying love of my old dog,
Sam.
I don't actually hate the cats because I know they are not the real
problem, but I will go to jail if I shoot at the owner with a bb gun.
Any advice?
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And here is the follow-up email I sent out after people told me to shoot myself with the BB gun:
Hi Everyone-This is Claire again. OK, first, thanks for all your responses. I never use this forum so I had no idea I would get so many responses. Really, don't you guys have jobs? HA! HA! Just Kidding. Second, come on now folks, do you really think we are hitting the cats with the bb gun? Even if we were that good of a shot, it wouldn't hurt them. It's not like it's a shot gun. Besides, did I not say we are animal lovers? And, if we wanted the cats dead, trust me, they would be dead and we would not have asked for your help. So quit with the "oh the humanity" and "it's not the cats' fault" stuff. Seriously, does that work on anyone? We get that. We get that it is the fault of the lady feeding the cats. So pipe down. Third, many of you have offered to loan us traps and help us catch them. Thank you very much and I will be in touch. I think this route, combined with other actions (pepper spray on the lawn, sensor sprinklers,etc) we will take. The reason we did not do this before is, I know this will be shocking to those of you who have lost faith in humanity, WE FELT BAD TAKING THE WOMAN'S "CHILDREN." Sure, I hate the cats crapping in the lawn and I think the woman is a little wacky, but these vermin are her babies and I actually feel bad trapping them and bringing them to the SPCA where they will likely be euthanized. So, I was hoping someone might have some ideas that I had not thought of that would be a win-win - she gets to keep her barrel o' kitties and I get to have a poop-free lawn. In the grand scheme of life, this is a tiny problem and I totally get that. I am not looking for someone else to "fix" my problems. Sure, it would be nice if there was a way to get this person to say have 3 or 4 properly treated cats, but I don't know what her story is. We have tried talking to her and something isn't jiving, so there is really nothing we can do there. And sure, it would be nice if this city was the kind of city that had money/time/ability to care about stuff like this, but it's not and likely never will be. It's p art of our "charm." [insert bitter sarcasm] So, thanks for all your help neighbors! [DO NOT insert sarcasm...this is sincere] We really appreciate all of your ideas and suggestions! Claire & Mike & Max
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