November 29, 2009

Where Art Thou Next Husband?

Mike and I took Max to the Renaissance Festival on Friday. Max is the kind of kid who wears and cape and carries a wand wherever he goes, so it seemed the right thing to do. Although, I will tell you, the Renaissance Festival creeps me out a bit. It's not so much the turkey legs and the jousting as it is the personalities of the people who attend and work there. They are, I have figured out, a highly sexualized people who are overly friendly and, for the most part, ugly.

This is why I decided, while chomping on a BBQ turkey sandwich that no doubt was loaded with ptomaine, and avoiding eye contact with a jester giving out "free" hugs, that if Mike and I ever split, I am going to find my next husband at the Renaissance Festival. Let me tell you why.

First, in the bizarro world of Medieval Wannabes, I am Miss America. I not only have a full set of white teeth, I also weigh less than 375 pounds. By comparison, I am Heidi Klum and while I am not frightening, let's face it, searching for a husband in South Beach would likely yield me Versace's killer at best.

Second, these people are obnoxiously flirty in a creepy and dirty way. I am not sure how this will help me rope a husband, except that it would take an overly aggressive man to get me to marry again. For some reason, the men who work the festival circuit have this wacko level of sexual assertiveness. I kid you not, I got hit on twice by the men working the rides...while my husband was in ear shot. Weird, creepy and strangely flattering.

Finally, I already have a kid. Most men balk at that. Who wants to raise another man's kid? These people are so freakishly friendly and accepting of unusual situations, that I think having a kid actually raises my stakes in Ye Olde World of Creepy Carnies.

Of course, this is all in jest. I could never marry again as no one could ever live up to my current husband's level of patience and tolerance, not even a knight or a king or a freak with bad teeth.

All in all, our day trip to the Medieval State Fair was expensive (including the speeding ticket, this trip will top $175) and enlightening. If I ever decide to drop out of society and wander aimlessly with a troop of misfits and big busted women, I know where to find my people.


Priscilla said...

Oh my!!! (seems all the response required) Just call me and maybe the timing will be right and we can disappear together!!!
Love ya,

Laura Ferry-Jimenez said...

so you mean a renaissance festival is worse than the local home depot? haha.