July 8, 2009

Life is Just a Fantasy

Last night, I was lying in bed with Max, trying desperately to get him to go to sleep. It’s hard to get someone to go to sleep and although it does not work, my best laid plan thus far is to occasionally scream, “GO TO SLEEP!” when he does this staying up until 11:00pm nonsense. He was lying next to me, being a goofball, and I was turned on my side away from him thinking that all I wanted to do was lie alone in my own bed and read a fucking book. Is that too much to ask, I ask you? I also asked myself inside my head while choking back tears of frustration and anger.

And so I found myself lying in my bed next to a squirming and fidgety toddler fantasizing about being single and childless. And when I say single, I don’t mean not married and free to date, I mean ALONE. No one. No man or woman in my life or in my bed for any reason what-so-ever. Just me and a book.

And it was then I realized that I was actually somewhat resentful of my child because I was not going to get to do whatever I want for at least another 15 years and even then, I am bound forever to this obstinate little boy. Not only can I not just leave a big bowl of food and water for him and take off for the weekend, I actually have to be emotionally available and supportive for his entire life. Oh heavens, what have I done?

And of course I love him. He is my child, but it hit me, like a slap to the face last night, that I am an old mother. And I don’t mean mother as in bad ass motha’. I mean, I gave birth to someone and now I am responsible for him forever. And, I am old. Old in the sense that gravity is no longer a welcome force that keeps me planted on the ground, but instead is a cruel foe. Underneath the brown hair dye is a head of gray hair and those marks on my face can no longer be classified as cute little freckles.

On top of all that, I can’t even read when I want to, so now I’m old, matronly and a slave to a tiny tyrant.

And just when I thought I would actually start sobbing, I heard Max’s steady breathing and realized his sweet, sweaty little head was resting against my back. And then everything else went away and all was right with the world.

And I read my book in peace and forgot all about my single life fantasies.

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