June 8, 2009

Loving and Dancing

As a child, I did not feel that I was loved.  I know, that sounds harsh, doesn’t it? It implies I had a terrible relationship with my parents or was kept in a closet under the stairs for months at a time. None of that is true…well, I did hang out in the closet under the stairs a lot, but that was a self-imposed isolation.

 I just spent a lot of time not feeling like I was loved or wanted or even important in any way. This is a result, I suppose, of abysmal self esteem coupled with being the youngest of 4 children. I guess. I could spend the next 30 years in therapy to pin point why I felt that way, but I don’t feel that way anymore, so frankly, I don’t care why I felt that way.

What I care about now is absolutely making sure my son does not feel the same way. I could not bear for that sweet little face to crumple under the false notion he was not loved more than anyone could ever love another human being without snapping and actually eating him.

I went today to see his final ballet class. His little daycare last year started offering a once a week ballet class. I signed him up because he was 2 and he was friends with all of the little girls at daycare. What happened was unexpected…well, unexpected by me, I am sure others would have expected this. He developed better balance and he really LOVES his ballet teacher.

Last year, I went to his last day of class to see him and the other little kids “dance” and Max and maybe 4 other kids refused to dance. Max sat in my lap the whole time and would only watch the other kids. He was shy and scared and did not want to leave my side.

This year, he was a little Baryshnikov. Or a little ham, really, because there wasn’t a whole lot of ballet going on. He kept looking at me to make sure I was there and was watching him. He did the positions and the kicks and the “dancing” with the 5 other kids. He let me take his picture with Miss Nikki, the teacher. His little face lit up when everyone applauded.

I love him as much as did last year when he sat in my lap and shyly sucked his fingers. But this year, at least I got cute pictures, too.

No comments: