Cats

I am super-fucking annoyed right now. The crazy lady who lives across the street from me, let's call her Judy, because that's her name, is going to push me over the edge. Judy is a thin black woman who seems relatively harmless. I think she works. She leaves the house everyday like she has a job. I think she also goes to church. Whatever. I have no respect or disrespect for church-going folk whether they are black or white. My apathy-verging-on-annoyance attitude toward church is not racist - I equally distrust all races when it comes to organized religion.

Anyway, Judy has these cats. They're not really her cats in the sense that she takes them to the vet or gets them spayed or neutered or, say, PROVIDES THEM WITH A FUCKING LITTER BOX. They are "her" cats because she feeds them. And she leaves her front door cracked all day so they can come in and out. And she provides them with a space to have hundreds of litters of new kittens that will shit and sometimes die under my old and drafty house so that my house, that I pay 1400 hundred fucking dollars for each month on a mortgage that seems like will never reduce in principal, yes this house smells like cat shit every fucking morning. So much so that my three year old son wakes up each morning and says, "Yuck, what's that smell?"

So, I went online today and googled "how to kill cats." I am done with this. I want to kill the cats so they won't crap in my lawn, under my house, on my car, in the flowerbeds or anywhere, ever again.

Those of you who know me well know that I am actually an animal lover. I was a vegeterian for over 6 years, I have rescued countless dogs and cats, I even have a tattoo of a freakin' paw on my ankle. And yet, I am going to kill 25 cats before the week is out. Why? BECAUSE I WILL GO TO JAIL IF I KILL JUDY. And, my freinds, that is who I really want to kill. I want to trap her in a big trap using cheese or tuna as the bait and bring her to the SPCA so they can euthanize her. And then I will be rid of the source of all the problems, but I won't have to feel bad about it because the SPCA euthanized her and eveyone knows they only do that because they have to and I am sure they all cry every Thursday when they burn all the carcasses, blah, blah, blah.

I called the SPCA and told them that if they did not come and do something about these cats I was going to start taking them out one by one. They called my back within minutes and told me they would bring traps and I could catch the cats and bring them to the SPCA for spay and neuter. Oh I am going to catch them alright and then when I kill them it will be like shooting fish in a pond. Because not having a vagina or testicles does not mean they will stop making my property a giant fucking litter box.

Mark my words gentle friends, by the end of November, the only thing taking a dump in my front yard will be my retarded dog Kenny. And if Judy has an unfortunate accident, well, then Virginia, yes there is a Santa Claus, isn't there?