Random Ramblings About My Husband

My husband is different from me in many ways. He does these things that I think are completely bizarre. For instance, he asks people for directions. Sure, that’s not weird, but I am telling you, he asks EVERYONE for directions to EVERYTHING. If we walk into a giant chain supermarket in a new city, he will ask the cashier where the tomatoes are. I mean, for heaven’s sake, is it really that hard to look at either end of the store and see which one has the produce? When I call him on this, he says, get this, that he likes to talk to people??? What the fuck? Shouldn't he have disclosed this to me BEFORE we got married?

You see, I do not like to talk to people and will go to great lengths to avoid small talk. When I arrive home in the car, I look down and walk briskly until I have one foot in the front door. Then, and only then, will I look up and see if any neighbors are out. Then, I can give a wave as I enter the house. I appear friendly, but there will be NO small talk. I do not care that there was a gas leak or that Herman is getting new siding.

My husband, on the other hand, is like a loose dog that ran out the open front gate and is visiting every yard in a 20 block radius. He will spend hours roaming the neighborhood talking to anyone about the traffic, the weather, the cost of living, politics, religion, how much you paid for your house, how much we paid for our house, what kind of air freshener you use, why our brand is better, and the list goes on forever. The man can talk about nothing for hours on end. It is strangely revolting.

I have heard him call his friend Terry in Witchita Falls and talk to him for over 30 minutes about the weather. The weather. Yes, I am serious. I once stood around staring into space for an hour wishing a meteorite would land on my head listening to him talk to a random stranger on our street about politics. Or maybe it was religion. I do not know because I refused to make eye contact with the stranger or listen to anything that either of them said. It was my own private mutiny.

Most people dread the Jehovah’s Witness people coming to the front door. Not my husband. He welcomes them in the front door and it is they who are begging to leave, shouting “God Bless Yous” over their shoulders as they try to escape his grasp. Again, he says he just likes to talk to people and that he likes people.

This is completely baffling to me. I have already walked to the other side of the street feigning distraction to avoid talking to a relative.

The thing is, people love my husband. He always gets free stuff, he gets free deserts in restaurants, he finagles better rates out of sales people, and everyone in our neighborhood, I am sure, feels sorry for him because his wife is so stand offish. I have never been upgraded to a better room or received a complimentary appetizer, but this is commonplace for my husband.

He is a total throw back to the days of yore. In fact, sometimes I think he might actually be 78 and just in good shape. After all of us who are “technologically advanced” forget how to have actual conversations with actual human beings, my husband will be a sought after expert and resource. People will hire him to come in and teach the workers the basics of human interaction that takes place in real life as opposed to email or IMing.

For now, I will continue to do as much as I possibly can from my laptop, and while he may not know how to use Facebook and he may still think the Internet is baffling, let’s face it, in a post-apocalyptic world, I want my husband on my team.