August 25, 2008

Oh no

For the first time in my life, I really and truly feel my immortality and that life is, as they say, short. I sometimes wish I could go back in time and do things differently. I know I am not alone in this fantasy, but perhaps I am unique in the things I would change. I would not alter the course of my life by marrying someone else or studying for the SAT. No, I would enjoy each and every cigarette that I carelessly and obliviously choked down as a teenager. I would perhaps feel less guilty about doing the things I did and maybe even do a bit more of it, now that I know no one really cares about my virginity except my parents.

I would definitely take advantage of my 17 year old body and skin. Indeed, I might even take a turn as the school slut. After all, didn't she always look happy and carefree? I mean, I didn't do anything of note in high school and I still don't have my high school friends or any type of nice reputation.

I don't get the do-over. None of us do. But, I can change it now. I will not feel guilty for sleeping late or spending 6 days solid engrossed in the Twilight Series books. I will relish every minute with my son. I will not look down red-faced when a handsome man at Taco Tico stares at me. I will stand up straight and smile right back.

I will be smart, wickedly and painfully smart whenever I can. I will not dumb down to make someone else feel more comfortable. I will let my kid eat his desert first. I might, I just might do what I want to do and take a year off of work and write the novel that has been rolling around in my head for the past 15 years. Life is short, oh so short, and I don't want to waste any more of it on fear and shame. I want to walk high and embrace every bit of it.

But, yet, sounds so easy when I write about it, but where is my net?

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