August 17, 2009

Why Are You NOT Here?

"It is an interesting question how far men would retain their relative rank if they were divested of their clothes..." - Henry David Thoreau

Recently I decided I needed to dress better. This is not entirely true, but it is less embarrassing than the real story which involves a very awkward conversation with my boss telling me I needed to dress to the title on my business card. Whatever the impetus, I went to Ann Taylor and attached myself to the sales lady. She patiently brought me skirts and jackets and pants and shirts that were tailored. Elastic waist linen pants, white Hanes t-shirts and flip flops are indeed my real uniform, but, alas, clients frown when I show up dressed like that.

I got a jacket, skirt and shirt. It went so well, I went back the next week for a pair of grey pants. $400 dollars later, I left with 2 skirts, 3 sweaters, 2 shirts, 2 camis and a new Ann Taylor master card. That second sales lady was much better at her job than the first. One of the skirts is a high-wasted lycra thing. I thought it seemed a little snug when I tried it on at the store but the sales lady assured me it was supposed to fit like that. I was so overwhelmed at this point that I just said fine.

When I got home, I tried it on again and it seemed a little snug, but maybe that was the style. But the third time I tried it on, I knew it was not right. Clothes you wear on land should not be as tight as the clothes you wear in water. There are no Spanx that could hide what this skirt was so prominently displaying. I decided to return it and I have not thought about it since.

The point of this story is that although I often labor over a decision, once it is made, I usually don’t question it. The hard part for me is just making the decision. Some people make a quick decision and then spend all their time wondering if it was the right one. I am more likely to just sit with something for a while and mull it over for a long time.

That is what I am doing right now about blogging. To blog or not to blog, that is the question.

A couple of things happened last week that are making me weigh this decision. There were some ugly comments that upset me, followed by a colleague of mine saying I should shut my blog down immediately because it would ruin my career and surely the Gestapo would storm my house and take everything of value, or some rant like that. I am beginning to question his sanity, but still, his scare tactic worked. When I reminded him that I don’t blog under my real name, he pointed out that my blog is linked to my facebook account.

Oh, right, that.

On the other hand, I also had handfuls of people telling me they love my blog and they love to read it.

Hmmmm, so what do I do?

I’ll tell you what I do, I follow my heart. I live what I preach – a life of honesty that is not ruled by fear. (Yikes!)

In the eternal words of Popeye, “I yam what I yam.” You can dress me in a suit and slap heels on my feet, but at my core, I am still me. And I will continue to be me long after my career is over and the lights have dimmed.

When I am on my deathbed I won’t think to myself, “Gee, I wish I had pretended to be someone else more often in my life. I wish I had spent more time hiding my real feelings and less time honestly sharing with the people around me.”

I won’t wish I had let my childhood dream of being a writer wither away and die, only to supplanted by what society deems right and good. (This is where you insert the National Anthem…)

No, my friends, I will not stand idly by and watch my very soul be crushed by the ridiculous rules and regulations of modern day society! (But, I will dress better when I have to.) I will continue to post my wackiness whenever I can (although not under my real name) and I will continue to wonder in print about the effectiveness of airline security measures, for I am a free thinker!

And so, my dear friends, thank you for your support and your comments. The reason I blog is because I am a writer and I always have been. I just got lost along the way.


Carla said...

Just so ya know, you're blog is saved in my favorites list which I check daily. I love when I see a new post from you! So, thanks for kicking conventionalism right in the teeth and continuing to share your thoughts! Blog on, sister! Blog on.

Melissa said...

From writer to another, don't let the bastards get you down. We write because we must. I imagine myself (can't imagine why) unjustly jailed and writing with a stick on the decaying plaster walls. Because that's what we do.
Love it! melissa

bybethstudio said...

HURRAY! the writing continues!!! WHOO-HOO!
(and congrats on the new clothing purchase) next purchase is going to be new jeans that aren't maternity...and I really don't care what the size is...when Claire was born, I waited until I was a "respectable" size before buying new jeans NOW I don't care about the number as long as they aren't maternity! Plus, they'll just get peed on anyway! :)

Kim Phillips said...

I agree with the others, I'd like you to write something about True Blood, why do you like it so much?